“Stop That!” I Said to Myself

Before It’s Too Late – Sara Driscoll

Ever heard the joke about the guy who goes to the doctor and tells her, “It hurts when I do this”? The punchline, of course, is that she says, “Well, stop doing that!” Ba. Dump. Bump. I could say the same thing of the Sara Driscoll F.B.I. K-9 series: “It hurts when I read this; so maybe I should stop.” But I didn’t…

I read book two, Before It’s Too Late, and I’m… not sure why. It’s probably because I didn’t have anything else to read (the latest Virgil Flowers novel wasn’t out yet), and it might be because I really, really love Labrador Retrievers and the K-9 in question is a black Lab named Hawk. More likely both. But anyway, about the book:

F.B.I. K-9 handler Meg Jennings is obviously the target of a serial whackaloon: he kidnaps women who look like her (“black Irish” features) and then sends a coded message addressed to Meg, a message that consists of cryptic clues to where he’s hidden the kidnapped woman. Oh, and the woman isn’t dead yet; he’s killing her slowly by asphyxiation. Creepy dude…

Of course, Meg enlists her world-class search and rescue dog, Hawk, to help her find the kidnapped women Before It’s too Late. Oh, and since it’s obvious that the guy is really after her? She also has to worry about her sister Cara, who fits the pale skin / light eyes / black hair profile as well, and is certain to be kidnapped eventually. It’d all be so simple if she hadn’t been suspended from her job as a feeb. Luckily, she has a friendly newsman and a super-hot fireman to help her out…

This is the second novel in Driscoll’s series after Lone Wolf (“Sara Driscoll” is actually a pen name for the writing team of Jen J. Danna and Ann Vanderlaan, both of which sound like pseudonyms to me…). It follows pretty much the same formula: Jennings and her dog perform crime-busting miracles, though at least this time Hawk is only a search-and-rescue dog and not a bomb-sniffer as well…
Instead of assigning extraordinary powers to the dog this time (which I might have let pass), Driscoll instead elevated the characters to post-Mensa status. Sister Cara isn’t merely a crackerjack dog whisperer now, she also turns out to be a world-class amateur cryptanalyst as well – so good at it that she can solve codes faster than the FBI professionals with supercomputers… sure… And the newsguy character is also a Civil War buff with an encyclopedic knowledge equal to that of a tenured UVA professor with a PhD.

When all the smoke clears, however, the most unlikely “hidden genius” is that of the bad guy. He has to remember decades-old random factoids about Jennings, possess an encyclopedia knowledge of the Civil War, have almost unfettered access to the lives of his victims, be a cryptographer and an expert at bizarre clues, and be a medical savant – all while being as crazy as a bedbug.

No. It just doesn’t wash. I can accept Lincoln Rhyme calling in experts on tattoos to solve a twisty mystery, but for Jennings to be able to conjure experts in both code-breaking and obscure historical facts out of her circle of friends? Nope, sorry, I'm not buyin' it: my disbelief is not suspended.

Oh, yeah, and ladies? If someone has a pulse but no respiration, you don’t start CPR: you start rescue breathing.  There are lots of other inaccuracies and factual mistakes, but that one is dangerous.

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