McCallum's Fiction Debut a Misfire

Once a Crooked Man - David McCallum

I’ve always considered it rather depressing that one of the surest ways to get a novel published (at least back in the days before rampant self-publishing) was to already have a degree of celebrity. Take a look at all the dozens of actors and singers who’ve published children’s books – Madonna, Sting, Cate Blanchett, etc. – for example. Even in my favorite genre, the mystery, more than a few actors have been published. Some – Harley Jane Kozak or Hugh Laurie  – have actually done a fairly good job. Others (say, Gillian Anderson) haven’t done so well. Into the midst of that second group, regrettable, comes veteran actor David McCallum with his debut novel, Once a Crooked Man.

Harry Murphy , New York-based actor, had just finished yet another audition – spoiler alert: he wouldn’t win the part – and badly needed to pee. So he slipped into the Chinese restaurant he was passing, hoping to empty an overflowing bladder. The four men at the table chased him off, so a desperate Harry ducked into the neighboring alley and watered the brick wall instead. What he overheard standing under an open window was (somehow) sufficient to send the young man across the pond to London, planning to warn a complete stranger (for whom he had only a surname) that someone in America planned to terminate their arrangement, whatever it was – permanently.


Somehow Harry came back to his Manhattan apartment accompanied by a million or so, cash money, a fetching but rather round-heeled British cop, and orders to continue acting the role of a slightly crazy man who’d somehow gotten trapped in the middle of… whatever was going on. He played his role perfectly, and that’s about all there is to Once a Crooked Man.

David McCallum – yes, formerly Ilya Kuryakin, and currently Dr. Donald “Ducky” Mallard – has jotted down his first effort, a quirky (that’s putting it mildly) thriller-ish novel with vague trappings of mystery. It’s jam-packed with twists, suffers from a surfeit of tropes, and occasionally find itself with a wee bit of continuity problems. Those shortcomings, however, pale alongside the novel's regrettably misongynistic tone: the female lead, lovely Lizzie -- she who seduced Harry within an hour of meeting him -- eventually finds herself raped by one of the villains. And she likes the experience so much that she ultimately runs off with her rapist to an island paradise with a few million dollars of their own. About the only thing more disgusting on the topic of rape that I’ve heard in decades is the "joke" that goes, “Old Chinese proverb: ‘If rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it.’” One wonders what McCallum’s female costars on the telly think of such a subplot…

Given all its faults, Once a Crooked Man seems to be the kind of novel that only a celebrity can get published (unless one is willing to pay for publication). My advice? Skip the novel and – if you really like McCallum – tune in to watch him in “NCIS” on CBS, or stream reruns of The Man from U.N.C.L.E. on Amazon.com.  The book’s not worth it…

copyright © 2016 scmrak